Okay... Where do I start??
Things have been pretty shitty for me lately. I am very unhappy with my weight, my father has been crazy, my boyfriend walked out on me, I am nieve, my job makes no money and I live at home with my family. Doesn't sound that bad now that I say it.... but it feel horrible.
I was crying so hard the other night. And, as I was crying... I was cutting. My eyes were almost swollen shut and I was cutting... WHy?? Why do I do this?? It is so stupid!!! I really feel like it helps me tho.
Anyway, as I was crying and cutting... I up and called my mother. I don't know what made me do that, but I did. She immedialtely came to my room and tried to calm me down. I figured she would just make me feel better. But...upon seeing the knife on my pillow, she freaked out! She started yelling at me and making me feel crazy. She said I would kill myself and anyone else in a moment of rage. This is SO not true. I would never hurt anyone!!!
I don't know why I do this. I don't know who to tell or how to stop it....
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Help me find my way
My life was going pretty good... My family had always treated me very well and showed me so much love. I was a precious gem that they protected each and every day. Little did I know what was really going on...
A few years ago, I found out my dad was addicted to methamphetamines. That was like someone reaching their hand in my heart and ripping it out. I didn't know what to think or do. As each week passed, his addiction became worse and worse. Drugs soon became more important to him than anything else.
He lied to me.
He told me he had quit and that he would never hurt us that way. He soon left our home and lived out of his truck. It was so traumatizing for me... I couldn't understand why he would want drugs more that us.. This was the same man that attended EVERY doctors appointment I had. The same man that put me on a pedestal and loved me with all his heart. I could talk to him about anything. He had so much LIFE. He would joke around like crazy. He was always acting silly and got great attentin from everyone. I was very proud to call him my father.
While living in his truck, I tried to visit him. He was very distant to me. He wouldn't even look me in the eyes. He eventually came back home, but it didn't last long. He left again to live in a run down motel. After months and months of this... me and my mom decided to get out and rent an apartment...
Upon packing for the move, my dad called crying. He realized that he was about to lose us so he promised to go to rehab. The very next day, he checked in to a 28 day rehabilitation center.
The next 28 days were like years. We were miserable. We visited him every week. He looked so sad. It was like he was in prison or something. I wanted him to come home so bad. He stayed almost the entire time. I think 25 days actually. He was kicked out 3 days early because he showed his ass over some icy hot or something and they told him to leave. It is kinda funny now that I look back on it. My Dad Got Kicked Out Of Rehab...
The next year went pretty well. I picked up smoking but other than that, we were pretty happy. I should've known that wouldn't last forever.
Dad started acting a little weird. Kinda falling back in his old ways. My mom and I immediately noticed and tried to talk to him. He wouldn't admit it. He started talking down to us. He's called me every name in the book. He began treating my mom like total shit.
I still get so mad at her for taking his crap.
Little by little, out lives have fallen apart. My dad will not admit to taking any methamphetamines though I won't believe that for anything. He is currently going to a psychiatrist and getting all kinds of pills. They just put him on lithium which I hear is for crazy people.
My dad IS NOT crazy!!! Is he??
I just don't know what to do. I love him so much but he makes my life so miserable. He is so moody. One minute he is happy and like the old dad again... next minute, he is raging and mad.
I want my family back so bad.
Anyone that has or is going through what I'm going through, I feel for you.
A few years ago, I found out my dad was addicted to methamphetamines. That was like someone reaching their hand in my heart and ripping it out. I didn't know what to think or do. As each week passed, his addiction became worse and worse. Drugs soon became more important to him than anything else.
He lied to me.
He told me he had quit and that he would never hurt us that way. He soon left our home and lived out of his truck. It was so traumatizing for me... I couldn't understand why he would want drugs more that us.. This was the same man that attended EVERY doctors appointment I had. The same man that put me on a pedestal and loved me with all his heart. I could talk to him about anything. He had so much LIFE. He would joke around like crazy. He was always acting silly and got great attentin from everyone. I was very proud to call him my father.
While living in his truck, I tried to visit him. He was very distant to me. He wouldn't even look me in the eyes. He eventually came back home, but it didn't last long. He left again to live in a run down motel. After months and months of this... me and my mom decided to get out and rent an apartment...
Upon packing for the move, my dad called crying. He realized that he was about to lose us so he promised to go to rehab. The very next day, he checked in to a 28 day rehabilitation center.
The next 28 days were like years. We were miserable. We visited him every week. He looked so sad. It was like he was in prison or something. I wanted him to come home so bad. He stayed almost the entire time. I think 25 days actually. He was kicked out 3 days early because he showed his ass over some icy hot or something and they told him to leave. It is kinda funny now that I look back on it. My Dad Got Kicked Out Of Rehab...
The next year went pretty well. I picked up smoking but other than that, we were pretty happy. I should've known that wouldn't last forever.
Dad started acting a little weird. Kinda falling back in his old ways. My mom and I immediately noticed and tried to talk to him. He wouldn't admit it. He started talking down to us. He's called me every name in the book. He began treating my mom like total shit.
I still get so mad at her for taking his crap.
Little by little, out lives have fallen apart. My dad will not admit to taking any methamphetamines though I won't believe that for anything. He is currently going to a psychiatrist and getting all kinds of pills. They just put him on lithium which I hear is for crazy people.
My dad IS NOT crazy!!! Is he??
I just don't know what to do. I love him so much but he makes my life so miserable. He is so moody. One minute he is happy and like the old dad again... next minute, he is raging and mad.
I want my family back so bad.
Anyone that has or is going through what I'm going through, I feel for you.
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